SPEAKER_00: 0:41

Okay, welcome back to the Self Made in a Single podcast. I'm your host, Rachel Rose. We've got another special client spotlight interview today with someone who's been cracking me up for the past, I don't know, five or six months now. Her name is Darlene, but before I go any further and introduce her, let me actually let her introduce herself properly. So welcome, Darlene. Uh please tell us a little bit about yourself.

SPEAKER_03: 1:06

Okay, well, I am a 63-year-old African-American woman, and I have never been married. I don't have any kids, and I work for the federal government. So I have a lot of stability, but I'm looking for a man. Okay, that's why I'm here. And you know, I run across Rachel, she's wonderful. Uh, you're gonna find out, you're gonna find out once you you connect with her, but you know, I have a lot of very positive experiences um from working with her and this whole process. So very happy.

SPEAKER_00: 1:44

So tell us um what was the program that you were on and what was it in particular that made you want to sign on?

SPEAKER_03: 1:53

I was I think I was um thinking about, you know, why is it taking me so long to get the man that I want of my dreams? And I ran across your site and you know, I contacted you and we had this great conversation. And I think I just felt very um comfortable with you. You are younger, obviously, than I am, and I thought, hmm, does this lady know what she's doing? But after talking to you, I was like, wow, she has a lot of experience and relationships and helping people connect their issues with uh trying to connect with uh a person um that you want to be with. So that's kind of where I kind of started as well to connect with you.

SPEAKER_00: 2:44

Nice. And so, okay, so you were looking for a man. What were the things that you wanted to work on that weren't necessarily working before we worked together?

SPEAKER_03: 2:56

Well, I think what I had started to learn is that um you develop habits over time and you don't necessarily know what's wrong, you just keep going on with your life. And I I do remember that mantra. You keep doing what you do, you keep getting what you get. And you can learn to develop long-term habits of like doing the wrong things and not even knowing it, it just becomes a part of your life. And I think I needed to find out what I'm doing and what I can do to put my life on the right track because I do want to get married, and it doesn't seem to be working whatever I'm doing or not doing.

SPEAKER_00: 3:42

So I love that because the awareness is really important as well. There's so many people that spend so much of their life just continuing to do what they've always done because it's familiar and it's comfortable. So I know when we first met, I thought, mmm, this is really cool, but how inspirational for so many women listening that there's no shelf life, like I hate this word. There's no, oh well, you've passed a certain age and that's done for you. No, like this is Darlene reinventing herself for the umpteenth time and saying, let's try something different because I want to experience love at the the highest timeline for myself. So, you know, you said that you had continued um, you know, um experiencing love in a certain way or seeing it in a certain way. So, what really made you have that internal shift to say I want something bigger?

SPEAKER_03: 4:39

Well, I mean, I guess it happened over time, just slowly creeping up on me that, hey, you know, what you're doing is not working. You want to get married. Um, time is not, you know, like a scary thing or whatever, because you know, I'm 63 and time has moved on. And it kind of feels to some degree like kind of a fog or whatever. But I spent a lot of time just kind of um taking care of myself, making sure that I felt uh comfortable, you know, have my own house and um and felt safe and everything. And then I could really use this time to focus on what I want now in a relationship. So I think one thing that helped me a lot in this process is the mother wound. That process you have or program you have to really help me look back over my family and how they developed relationships, even though it was long ago. I learned the process from them and just kind of kept it going, you know. And um, you know, it's kept me safe to some degree so that I am I'm able to progress much farther than my family had, but it's also helped me back in some ways too. So it was really good to look back and see what was happening with my grandmothers and my my father, my mother, and my siblings. That was that was very eye-opening.

SPEAKER_00: 6:18

No, I remember the impact that had on you, which is just so good because it was very direct, wasn't it? I know that you've been working with other people in the past and that topic has come up, but I felt like this was the most confrontational type of looking at the mother wound and healing it directly and really seeing the relationship between having that wound and how relationships were working for you. And it was really, really cool to see in real time all of that transformation on your side.

SPEAKER_03: 6:48

Yeah, and it seems like you know, I'm so much older, you wouldn't think that back then that in you know has any role in how you are now, but it's like no, you just go through life and you think a certain way and you do things, you don't see it. And that's been a problem, just not really seeing what I'm doing or not doing um to get me what this this next phase of my life.

SPEAKER_00: 7:15

So, you know, staying on this topic, what do you think in regards to the mother wound, when you look at how you used to view men and relationships and what was possible for you for love, how was it really impacting you, do you think?

SPEAKER_03: 7:28

Well, I grew up with um my grandmother was kind of in charge of the house. My mother was there, she had schizophrenia, so she had limited capacity to like be a mother. She was more like me and my other siblings. I have an older brother and a younger sister. And my grandmother kind of ran the household, and she always worked, she took care of things, and it was like we had to survive, so to speak. And so she just made sure she did everything, and so I kind of followed in her footsteps. But in her background, she had married at maybe 17, she got pregnant at 16, she married at 17. Um, she had two children. One was my mother, and they were living in uh United States in um Alabama, and he would he would um hit her, and she would go back to family, and then they'd come get her, and then they moved to Kentucky after a while, maybe when, you know, after 10 years or something. Then she said, I'm done, I'm leaving him, I'm moving to Ohio. And so she takes her two kids and moved to Ohio and get a job. And my mother ends up getting pregnant with my brother at 16, but she didn't marry my father. And she he had she had three kids with him, and they never got together. He lived at home, she lived at home. And I think I saw relationships from that perspective, you know, that men, you have to watch it because they will um, you know, uh have you have a lot of problems, and men, what are you gonna do? You're like out there by yourself. And so I think I had to really look back at that to see, because I think I felt I'm not going down that road that they did. I'm changing, you know, having my own patterns. But I think I threw the baby out with the bathwaters, they say, you know, you go the other way. So it's like, hey, I'm not gonna be in this situation, you know, struggling and you know, having kids to raise and this person that doesn't understand me or whatever. I'm gonna find him, but I felt like it's gonna happen. It's just gonna happen. I think I talked to you about the I'm maintenance guy coming over, knocking on my door and me checking him out like it's just the guy.

SPEAKER_00: 9:59

Yeah, yeah, like that. Like he's just gonna show up. So it's like the other side of the spectrum, almost dancing around love to be safe. So I, you know, I remember all of this, and it's interesting how much has changed from the beginning of this year to where you are now. So, what does love look like for you now? Like, how is it so much more yours, I should say, your view of love and what you think is possible for you?

SPEAKER_03: 10:30

Yeah, I think um I I kind of have narrowed down things that I want, for one, you know, like I I know I want a guy in my age range. Um, he has to have some sense of humor, you know, he has to um, you know, have an interest in me. You know, things that I would just take for granted are there. It's like, no, you can't always have, you know, some of these people I've met over time, you know, they're not nice. They can say mean things to you, or they have bad habits that I I'm not comfortable with. So I think I've narrowed down what will work for me. And I think what I like about working with you is that you helped me to see that this doesn't just happen, that there's a routine, there's a process to this. It's not just, hey, he's gonna come out of nowhere and you're gonna, eyes are gonna meet, and that's it. It's like, no, that doesn't work. It hasn't worked. So, okay, I'm open to something else. And this was has been great because it is a process going through the mother womb, going through, you know, talking about what you're doing, what you're not doing, um, just the whole thing. Um, I I have it's really worked for me as you know, I love woman of age.

SPEAKER_00: 12:00

You're you're still in your prime, whatever. What I do want to talk about is the fact that on your on the attract your equal program, one of the things I really pride the program on is having a dual type of strategy. So online and offline. Now, this was interesting, right? Because we found out that there was, you know, there were some hurdles with online, and there was a way to actually really exploit the offline strategy to your benefit. And then you saw that actually that was more akin to where you are, how you wanted to meet your person and all of that. So talk to talk to us about your experience with with both, you know, how you found online dating. Because as we were talking offline, like it's really good to hear this from someone who is gonna be of a similar age listening to you. Um, because online is not just for super, super younger people. Um, it can be utilized, it can be for you and it can't be for you. So it let's have a talk about like both online and offline strategies.

SPEAKER_03: 13:06

Yeah. Well, on the online dating, it was okay. I found that it didn't work for me when we were doing it, but I'm gonna look at it again because I had gotten into it and I stopped. And I was just very disappointed at the um people I was finding. And I think what I felt these dating sites put you out there. And if one of the things you wanted was there, they just hit put you out there with like it'd be tons of people. I'm like, well, he has the one thing I'm interested in, but not all the other things. Maybe he's like 23. And 23 years I'm like, okay, I understand he, you know, he's a very positive person or whatever the thing is, but you know, you have to be more um they have to be better at connecting you with people that are the kind of people you're looking for. So I think this next time I'm going to get very specific. And even if it's not, I don't get that many hits or people coming through, at least the ones I get, they will be more a better match. And um, I won't go through that because I spent time up front doing a lot of that thinking, okay, this is where I'm gonna find them. And I thought, you know, this isn't me. And I I was starting to get nervous because I felt, well, this is my hope, my only hope. You know, and I thought, you know, I need to get out there and learn some new ways of connecting so that I can maybe come back and revisit that. And we talked about it, and I think I will. I'm gonna um come up with another profile and have this in addition to me getting out there. And what I realized about the in-person thing is that you have to find what you want, think know what you want, and then you have to go places where you may find them. That is not just, I used to just go places and think I'm gonna find the person I want. No, I have to find places that again, in my age range, the things I like to do, the people it attracts, that's where I'm going to have more um more luck finding someone, even to just talk to and connect with and meet, you know, have conversations, you can move on and and get kind of close to what I need, even if it's an I don't go to an event and find someone. Um just the practice of going out, interfacing with people that I'm like. Maybe they're not the one, but you know, you get practice in talking to people and disconnecting if you're not interested, which is has been a problem for me because I'll feel overwhelmed. Like I I can't lose these people. They keep coming and I just can't um get get away. So I'm not gonna talk to anybody. So it's Pista Famine. So yeah, so I think the the in-person stuff is important too because I'm out there and whether I'm at the grocery store or someplace, because remember, I told you one time I was in the grocery store, this guy comes up to me, nice looking, we're chit-chatting, kind of, and I'm kind of backing away from him, and I'm thinking to myself, Well, I think this guy might be homeless. Yeah, I don't know. This is coming up in my mind. I don't know anything about this guy. He was nice, he he was, you know, looking at me and talking to me. He came up to me. And in my mind, I'm thinking, wow, this guy may be homeless, and you know, I kind of back away and everything. And I thought about that later, like, this is your problem, part of it, you know, having preconceptions about who people are, how they are, don't give them a chance. You already figured it out, and you feel like, oh, you were justified. I don't know this guy. He seemed, he went up to the register and was talking to the cashier, had a chunk of change in his hand, money in his hand. So he might be homeless, but that was my perception. So it's things like that that I have have had to work on.

SPEAKER_00: 17:33

And I've seen the change as well because you've gone from, you know, men being this almost like alien subject, right? Of them being far away, we don't understand them, they're unpredictable, they're unsafe, um, to then being, oh, actually, you know, this is fine. Um, so talk to us because we work through this a lot, and it's so great that you actually moved through this. Um, and hence why I think it's good that you've highlighted, you know, for your own journey, working on the offline strategy, strategy heavier was uh a better strategy for you because that's already going to give you the confidence for your online strategy when you move into it. Um, because it's more quote unquote real life. You're facing men head on. If they're online, I feel like because we hadn't worked through that enough yet, it was still this the alien kind of feeling with them. But now, like I feel like things are different. So let's let's talk about that. Let's talk about how you were relating uh to men versus how you do now and like how you particularly relate to men approaching you, whether you're attracted to them or not.

SPEAKER_03: 18:50

I used to feel more like trapped. Um that, you know, I have these guys coming up to me, you know, and they're looking at me and they're talking to me, and I'm thinking, I'm not interested, but I feel obligated. Maybe I've looked at them in a certain way and giving them some hope or something, and I feel kind of trapped. And I remember you saying, you're not trapped. You you can move on. You're not, you know, if they're taking it the wrong way, that's on them. The same way if you're dating them or something and it's just not working out, it's like you don't have to feel obligated, even if they're saying, Well, what did I do wrong? Or what could, you know, blah, blah, blah. No, this is just you need to get what you need. And if it's not happening, don't feel guilty about that. You can move on to find what you need. And you spend a lot of time, you know, coddling these people or standing around saying, Well, maybe I never thought I'd kind of change people, but maybe something would change and get better. But it's like, no, I'm not going into relationships with certain things going on. Like, you know, do you have a job? You know, are you married? You know, are you legally married? No, I'm not married. Are you legally married? Yeah, well, we never got a divorce, but I don't consider myself married. Well, I consider you married, okay? So there's things that you I think up front, I think that's one of the things about the process. I don't spend a lot of time now just wondering or thinking, you know, is he like this or that? You know, you can talk to somebody, get the feel for them, then you can connect and go deeper. You know, like, you know, what is your credit score?

SPEAKER_00: 20:49

You know these are they're so important because they're all part of this filtering process. Yes, filtering. Wasn't in place before, right? And yeah, how do you feel like that's helped with your confidence in knowing that you know what you want is achievable?

SPEAKER_03: 21:07

Well, I think too, one thing that I have realized is that what I want is not, you know, some pie in this guy or unachievable. It is actually something that's normal. It's I want just a regular guy, you know, he's gonna have an interest in me and a good sense of humor, and he's um fine and wants to do things, and you know, he's got some stability in his life, and um, you know, just just regular things. I think I felt um it was really hard to find. And I remember I was seeing the talk show recently of this lady saying that she had stopped dating for like three years and she was working on herself, and she had just kind of said, Well, I'm probably gonna be single forever. And of course, she meets the guy that she's uh man of her dreams or whatever. And she was saying, I Had thought he didn't exist. And I think somewhere deep down, because I feel like I have all this gone for me, that where am I gonna find a guy like that? Especially at my age. And now I realize they're out there. I just have to get out there and find them. They don't just appear. Um, and you can't just go anywhere and expect to find them. You have to hang out in places where they hang out. And I think to myself, when I go to a place like this, he I probably would not find him there, you know. Yeah. So I think about that a lot. Should I go here? Remember, I showed you the picture of it with some kind of party, and they were dressed in cowboy outfits, and they were so young people, and just not the crowd I would hang out with, and certainly not uh, you know, short shorts and everything, real tight and everything. And I thought I'm not gonna find him in something like that, you know. So I've been going on like um, well, I went on a cruise with my family, and that was nice. There were a lot of um couples there and things, but that's fine. Again, it's putting me out there, so I'm connecting with people. We went on a local boat ride. Um, I've just done I've done kayaking, you know, I've done I've gone to different seminars, I've gone to things that interest me, but also will have the type of people I'm looking for. And again, more exposure, more opportunities to chit-chat and get comfortable doing that is what's working.

SPEAKER_00: 23:45

Yes. And I think what's really interesting is once you started to really book these events in the calendar, then it was a case of okay, but what happens when I'm actually there? Uh so talk to us about our conversations about the, you know, I don't want to say do's and don'ts, but the guidance to make sure you are staying in your feminine energy and making sure you attract someone who's masculine and gonna lead the conversation and lead the relationship to where it's going.

SPEAKER_03: 24:14

Yeah. Yeah, well, I'm kind of an outgoing person. So, you know, I think what I feel is that I want somebody who is okay with a strong person. You know, like they can, I don't want to say I want to play hard together or whatever, but you know, I want to put my self-interest out there, but not be like overwhelming, like, oh, you know, I'm I I gotta have you, you know, I'll do whatever. It's like, no, I won't do whatever. You show me you're interested and how much you're willing to do, and I'll do the same. It's not one-sided, I'm not desperate. I'm not gonna say, oh, I'm gonna change. He's gonna change. If he's like the way he is now, he's not changing unless he really, really wants to. So I'm not looking for somebody to change.

SPEAKER_00: 25:05

Good.

SPEAKER_03: 25:06

I'm looking for someone who's already there, and we just connect.

SPEAKER_00: 25:11

Oh, this soft, empowered energy is so good. Oh, it's so good. It's so, so, so good, honestly. You are unrecognizable from the beginning of this year. So unrecognizable, it's really beautiful. And when you talk about love, I remember you gave me your refreshed list of what you were looking for, and I said, Oh my goodness, she sees this as clear as day now. So I have no doubt that you're gonna be dialing me up or emailing me and saying, you know, look at this, look at this amazing relationship that I'm in now, because you're you're just glowing from the inside and you're so empowered with it as well. So I wanted to ask, like, apart from the mother wound, which you've definitely hailed as being a really important part of the program Attract Your Equal, what was the biggest takeaway apart from that, that you're going to be running with moving on and using in your love life moving forward?

SPEAKER_03: 26:07

I think um being vulnerable was someplace, something that I was not always comfortable with. You know, you like I opened up to you and told you a lot of things. I'll talk about um, you know, like the need for me to um work on my Vijay J to get it in order, tip top shape. Since I, you know, it's just a time that's past.

SPEAKER_00: 26:38

Come on, girl, come on.

SPEAKER_03: 26:42

I mean, that's what's that. You can be real, you have to be real about things. So um, then that's being vulnerable. That's putting yourself out there, you know, your thoughts and feelings, and um, and I feel like I'm doing that more too with people, especially with men. It's okay, you know, you can't come back from it like you're not um gonna be, you know, sacrificing something, you know, all of a sudden you say something and then they're like, you know, oh, you know, you said the wrong thing, or look. No, this is who I am, and this is what, you know, I I put it out there. Are you comfortable with it? You know, and and I think that's important because being vulnerable for me has been tough. You know, I'm always that tough experiencer, and you know, just I'm gonna be in charge to some degree, but you know, it's okay to be on the softer side and to let things just kind of happen. And you're and it's okay, you can put you can bounce back from things and like my butt JJ. Bounce back from that as much active use as I would have liked. So um nice, that's what I've learned.

SPEAKER_00: 28:01

No, I love it because yeah, you found the power and the softness of in that feminine energy, which is really, as you've seen, so delicious when you tap into it. And it's it doesn't drain you, right? Because that's all of our natural disposition to be in this energy. Um, so it was nice talking through. I remember you were talking about like these live events and um, you know, how to sit in that energy, and it was really interesting to talk through that because it's like a new world for you to be like, oh, okay, so I don't need to manage this. Nope, you don't need to do anything. Right, right. And you can still get the results you want. So right.

SPEAKER_03: 28:40

So it is, I do love the concept that I've learned. There's a process, and it's not, you don't have to be racing to everything. What's important is um finding the what do we talk about where it was specific? Um you want to be more specific about what you want and going with that instead of just being out there looking for a guy and anywhere out there, you know, it's you have to, you know, be real specific about what you want and where you're going and what you're doing. And that's and that's actually helped me in my life in general, you know, from employment to you know, getting my car, getting whatever. You know, it's very it's very deliberate. And I think I didn't see that so much in getting relationships. You have to be very deliberate in your actions and what you want, and that's how you get it.

SPEAKER_00: 29:40

Um I love that. I love that you're saying that it's amplified into other parts of your life because this is something I always talk about. This is not just find your man, it's a whole experience that you saw. Like we, I think you even said in the first couple of months, like, oh my god, this is not just find the guy and get la la la, we're on a date, goodbye. It's deep work about your past, your present, all different areas of your life, your relationship with everybody. And then, as you've seen as a consequence, other areas of your life as well. It is a program that is yes, relationship focused, but it can't help but impact other areas of your life because they're all connected.

SPEAKER_03: 30:22

Yeah, and I think I didn't want just a dating coach or something to find me dates because that, you know, that's like matchmaker type. Yeah, yeah. Something where they're just finding you somebody to go out with because that just felt empty to me. And I know that to get what I want is deeper than that.

SPEAKER_00: 30:43

It's not because Darlian is fine, guys. Like she gets stopped by everybody. So it's not, you know, it's not a case of oh, you can't get a date. It's a case of no, we're being really discerning because exactly we're talking about life partner, we're talking about someone who, you know, you've built a wonderful life, you've got an awesome job, enviable in terms of like the security you have, like you look very happy in your role as well. You've got a nice life, nice house. So, why, as you know, you've seen let just anybody through.

SPEAKER_03: 31:20

Right, right. So I feel much more in control of the process and getting what I want. So I will be contacting you later saying, look, the picture here, you know.

SPEAKER_00: 31:33

Yes, I can't wait. Like, I literally can't wait for this because I know picture, and I tell everybody, like, you have to let me come to the wedding, please. Especially yours, because it's gonna be in the US and I need to have US food, like whatever. I don't, I don't care what it is. If it's soul food, if it's not soul food, I've got to be there.

SPEAKER_03: 31:53

Yes, get get ready. Get ready because it's coming, and we'll make sure you're here. Not the problem.

SPEAKER_00: 32:01

And so, you know, I have women that are watching as we're talking now, they're hovering, they've maybe come to all of my free masterclasses, like you have as well. You've experienced me in a free masterclass, and they're still like on the fence. Um, they might book a call and be like, oh, I'm not too sure. So, what would you say to women who are still on the fence, still not sure, still thinking, oh, I don't know if this program is going to be for me? Um, what would you say to them um about doing the work that you've done?

SPEAKER_03: 32:34

I think that um you have to be realistic of why you're not where you want to be, you know, because that's the real issue. If you're looking at, you know, having someone help you, why is that? How come you can't do it on your own? What is it missing? And I think I think I I think after I talked to you the first time, we went through the questions and what I'm looking for and what I want to do. I was kind of saying, okay, well, okay, I'm gonna go with you because you were so just so real and so honest. And like I said, just you know what's out there, what's happening, how the people are connecting, what's good, what's bad. You have your own relationship and you talk about things um just like just like a conversation. It's not like you know, you're the teacher, I'm the student. It's just like a real conversation. And I think women, you have to be realistic of if you've gotten to this point and you can't find what you want, what's wrong? You need somebody to help you to find out what's going on, what you need to do, what changes you might need to make. It's not always easy. That's why you know you're here without the person you want. It's not that easy to find. So I I I just like the whole idea of weekly talking with you, talking about what we're doing, the progress I'm making, um, all the programs. You have like the different things you can do and listen to. And it just feels like a whole comprehensive uh program. It's not just one-on-one counseling. You have all these, the other people you've talked to, you had all these, you know, the Reiki and all these other things that are also part of the program. So I just felt it was complete and I I really liked it. Um and I just, you know, know you're gonna do well going forward. I'm really glad for the experience. It's been wonderful, and I I can't, you know, tell you that enough. I it's just worth it.

SPEAKER_00: 34:46

Oh, you made me cry. So sweet. I I just honestly, you were amazing. You're so open. And the reason this works so well is because you were so vulnerable and you were so open and trusting. Um, because you know, I've said a hundred times in this interview already, like you are day and night from where you started to now. Like you're just ready for love, you know. Yes, but you've got your tools, like you know what you're doing.

SPEAKER_03: 35:12

Yes, tools. I love that. I've got my tools, my toolbox. Yeah, and um, yeah, I'm excited.

SPEAKER_00: 35:23

Well, thank you so much for this. This is great. Uh, like I said, this is gonna be so inspiring to so many other women as well. Um, and you know, I hope everyone listening hears the fact that this is yet another person in on the planet, right? Somewhere else that may not be close to you, but may have very similar things that they're going through. So no one's life is too complicated for this, you know. No one is like above the program, as they like to say, you know. Um, so anything's possible for everyone, no matter what you've been through. And, you know, Delhi is a really good example of this. So