Dating Expert Discusses Love and Happiness

Speaker 1 0:00

Did I give it away? Oh, was it persuasion? You are in my space. I, I owe it. I Don't care what you say, I'm loving it this way. I'm hoping that you stay. I, I owe it. It's only you, was it you? She's only you, it's only you.

Speaker 2 0:24

I love the groove, I'm loving the feeling. It's only you, it's only you. Welcome back to the Self Made and Single Podcast and I'm your host, rachel Rose. I have just met one of the most beautiful women I've ever met. I want to say on the show, but I think ever. You're very, very glowy. But we found out you're a leader, so it's probably why you radiate so much awesome energy. So we have with us Jenny Gonzalez, who's based in Portugal but is Venezuelan. Like, can you talk about spicy? You already know it's going to be good. And Jenny, just like myself, is a dating expert. So you know we're going to have loads to share. So welcome, jenny. I won't say any more about you, I'll let you take the floor.

Speaker 1 1:20

Alright, thank you so much for having me. I am really excited about this. Yes, I I do a lot of like research into my own leading life because I became like single again right before COVID, of course, and after a long term relationship. After everything and having the professional background that I have, it's become like this, like side game, like understanding human relationships, so that's like my new deal.

Speaker 2 1:55

I love it. I love it. I think, do you know what's really really interesting as well? I, when you said like it happened before COVID, I was like okay, that could also be very good. Or you could be like, oh shit. So how did you feel?

Speaker 1 2:09

You know what it was. What it was, it was good. Honestly, I never used a dating app before. So I was the CEO of an online dating software company for years. All I've done is public speaking and, like, look into stats and do all this research Wow. But I was in a long term relationship so I had never used an app. So I think it worked out to my advantage because I had, like, the training wheels. I could just do some chatting, but I didn't have to go out on dates. It was great because I can, like I work a lot right, I can check, I can definitely get my point across, be clever, be weedy, whatever but I didn't have to commit to go out on to coffee to like that was a little too much. So it was. I think it was perfect timing.

Speaker 2 3:02

Nice, I can't believe. I feel like you kind of had the back door cheat code, Like I thought I had the cheat code, but you definitely have the blueprint.

Speaker 1 3:12

Oh, you know what it is a cheat code and it like hinders the whole process. Oh, okay, how? Because I'm looking like I am interacting with apps. I'm interacting with real humans. I am aware of this as humans, but at the end of the day, I'm looking at the ECRM, I'm looking at the triggers, I'm looking at what the app is doing, how they're engaging me, back, coming up with new features. So I'm constantly analyzing that and then, once I make it out to coffee, I am so generally curious To know how people get on with their experience with being single, with having apps, and I end up talking about work and I am super passionate about what I do and they get super engaged and everyone gets like automatically friend-thrown.

Speaker 2 4:03

Right, I get you.

Speaker 1 4:05

Yeah, right, because I have all these questions they end up over sharing and I end up like, yeah, that's too much so it hinders, I think, Maybe perhaps my own dating experience.

Speaker 2 4:17

Yeah, I can, it's fun. I can kind of see that, because sometimes you get onto some dates and you guys really click and you end up talking about past relationships in general, and because you're not engaging in the actual interaction, one-on-one with that other person, it's kind of like an out-of-body experience, isn't it? It's like you're spiritually into your body and it's like, oh, this is no longer romantic, this is like, yeah, I feel that.

Speaker 1 4:42

That's the thing, and so being super fun. I've made some amazing friends. I have an incredible social circle in Portugal Because I also moved here right before COVID. So I moved to a new country, new language, new city and I'm really single.

Speaker 2 4:59

So you were, because I know you're just worldwide honey. So when you say you were, so where did you move from? Were you in the UK?

Speaker 1 5:05

yet no, so okay, this is the timeline. I left Venezuela at 16, went to the US I was like 24, Then I went to Texas and then to Colorado, Then after that I moved to Barcelona. Good choice.

Speaker 2 5:24

Seville, nice.

Speaker 1 5:27

London. Hey, then Malta, then Malta, malta and I moved to. I actually thought I was coming here for like a month. I was like my sister was here, she had just moved here with her kids and during COVID I was like, oh, you know what, I'll come help you out. I can work online. What can this like be a month? So I just closed out my apartment packed for a month, came to Lisbon and then went back. Oh my.

Speaker 2 5:58

God, I'm so surprised. Do you know what I love about that? Because normally you hear that when, like, I met a guy, I met a girl and I moved somewhere and I never looked back, but it's like no, I just did this for me, I just had my sister and it was perfect.

Speaker 1 6:10

I landed here and I was like I'm going to be happy here. That was it. It was a decision. What part are you in? I'm in Lisbon. I'm in Lisbon.

Speaker 2 6:22

Do you know what's so interesting? Because that just clicks for some people in some different places, Like I just wonder if maybe a past life of yours has been Portuguese or my family's from Galicia, so I'm like get snished away from being Portuguese. There, you go, there, you go, there, you go, there, you go.

Speaker 1 6:40

No, in Venezuela, the Portuguese are like the third biggest community, so a lot of stuff that, culturally, I thought was ours being here and getting more involved with the culture. I was like, oh, that was not Venezuelan, that's actually Portuguese. So right away you come off your home, but it's different, but it's similar, but it's just this is our.

Speaker 2 7:04

It definitely makes sense because, obviously, like during, you know the conquistadors, when blah, blah, blah, that makes sense, that makes a lot of sense. Okay, so there's something there. There's a deep soul connection.

Speaker 1 7:15

There is a soul connection and I'm just like. I cannot think of a single place in the world or a single time in my life where I haven't been happy. I believe that happiness is a personal choice.

Speaker 2 7:27

Yes, yeah, I love that, I think, because you're so sunny like and that's your natural energy and your natural disposition. You can tell, but it's a decision, right? I think some people kind of take that out. Oh, she's just always positive, but it's even someone who likes to be optimistic. They're deciding to be optimistic every day.

Speaker 1 7:46

Oh, 100%, and this doesn't mean that bad stuff doesn't happen to me. One of my best friends calls me Jack Shit Jenny. Like, if something is going to go wrong, it will happen to me 1000%. If there is like one thing that is just going to go sideways, it's. But at this point I have so many anecdotes, yes, so many stories, and at this point it's just like, ah, jack Shit Jenny, yes, and then it became this meme Right, like it's not that. Oh, I'm happy because my life is perfect, because everything is good. No, I'm happy because I decided to be happy, yeah, and when shitty things happen, guess what? I want to tackle it with a smile.

Speaker 2 8:31

Nice, Nice, you have to. I think you have to make the decision and I think one of the things that I felt was making the decision that love is. You're deserving of love and love is for you and the greatest version of love is for you. And taking away whoever that looks like yeah, Because it could be a whole load of people and just committing to that. That is the decision. And if you go on a date and it doesn't work out, it's like okay, cool, I'm committed to love, Like we just had a coffee.

Speaker 1 9:07

We had a cafe. That's it. I'm a day-to-day, I'm 18.

Speaker 2 9:11

Ooh, I like that Present continuous, like it goes on. That's it, I love that.

Speaker 1 9:18

So what about? We'll have such a good time, though. What do you mean? Like here? Like when you go out to coffee? Like you cannot be like, okay, there's going to be the love of my life and we don't get married and have three kids. It's not going to like be good. No, I learned Portuguese. Okay, Going out to coffee here.

Speaker 2 9:36

How did that go as?

Speaker 1 9:38

a Spanish speaker. Well, there is like 80% overlap, which means not many Spanish speakers actually make an effort. Okay, I could be speaking Spanish, the other person could be speaking Portuguese and like off, we go, right, like we will be able to understand each other. But I actually wanted to make the effort and I was like, okay, I'm talking to other people, I might as well learn about the culture. I might as well, like, get a few tours around the city, a few trips like trips, trips, everything, and I picked up another language.

Speaker 2 10:14

Nice, nice, two for one.

Speaker 1 10:17

Well, three for one. Yeah, all of it, and Portuguese men are beautiful.

Speaker 2 10:23

Well, I was going to get onto that. I was like so you know, tell us about your experience. Like what do you like? Like what, apart from the guys that you mentioned? Then you're like actually it's turned into more workshop. Like what else has been going on? Who do you like and what else happens on your date?

Speaker 1 10:40

I just like I go with the flow. Right, I need smart, I need witty.

Speaker 2 10:47

Put in your order. Funny Funny.

Speaker 1 10:50

Funny is important. I like funny, ambitious kind. Yes, kind is important Pretty much, and this sounds terrible, but I want to find me, it doesn't sound terrible.

Speaker 2 11:07

It sounds very Leo, which isn't bad.

Speaker 1 11:09

No, but I read that somewhere that you know you should become the person you want to date. So I like that, right. You cannot be like, oh, I want this person to have this, this, this, and that I want to be well-traveled, but kind, but family-oriented, but ambitious, but like sporty, whatever. No, no, no, no, no. You focus on you, yeah, and your vibe attracts your tribe.

Speaker 2 11:35

Exactly, exactly, I agree.

Speaker 1 11:38

So I want to become that person.

Speaker 2 11:40

Exactly. I find it very interesting when women ask for things that they haven't become, because where does that come from?

Speaker 1 11:48

Exactly when does that come from the whole? I want to be kept, I want to do this, I want that. I'm like, oh, that's a lot, yes.

Speaker 2 11:58

If I were a man, I'll be like, yes, because the thing is right, even if you get a super alpha man who likes to be a leader no, I want an alpha man, I want an alpha man, me too, me too, because I've done, I've done the complete opposite.

Speaker 2 12:15

I've done the complete opposite. I've done the complete opposite. And so the thing is, I think, like you know, like, yeah, we've, like I, very similar to you in terms of being in a very long-term relationship, and it was interesting because it was a very healing relationship, like that relationship was a hundred percent in my life, to heal me. I now love myself in a way that I've never loved myself and I never felt was possible, but it's also elevated me to become someone that cannot be with that person. That's what it is, that's what it is Right. Everything is in the gerund, like we are present continuously, all through life. And you know one thing I always say I just wish more women, was it? We're in tune with that. Like relationships, you are not expected to be in a relationship your entire life.

Speaker 1 13:02

And if you are, it's not one relationship, it's many relationships within one, exactly.

Speaker 2 13:07

Oh gosh, I love that. Yeah, I love that.

Speaker 1 13:11

Because you are growing and the other person is growing and, in fact, when people like grow apart, it's because you're not evolving at the same rate. Yeah, so the trick, one would think, is falling in love with that new version over and over again, exactly Understanding that relationships are work, understanding that you make a choice to be with that person every single day.

Speaker 2 13:39

Yes, exactly, it doesn't just happen, and it's not just this fairy sprinkle tale of like oh yeah, we just have to be no, because, as much as you decide to be with that person every single day, there could be that next elevated version of themselves that you're not attuned with, and that's okay, and you can decide to jump off the plane at that point and be like okay.

Speaker 1 14:01

And that's absolutely valid. Same for them. With you Right, exactly.

Speaker 1 14:04

Your new version is like oh, you know what, not really into that. I don't think this is, for me, right, and I think that's why you can also love someone so much and be so into them. But you know, one day they're just, you just want to punch them in the face. Yeah, and that's okay. And that's okay Because you're choosing. Even though you want to punch them in the face, you're like you know what? You're still my person. You're the person I want to punch in the face. Yes, and tomorrow I'll wake up and laugh. Coffee is going to be great, oh my God, but that's what relationships are.

Speaker 1 14:35

But that's what relationships are. Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 2 14:39

Yeah, I think I don't know. I think I've spoken about this with another guest about people's stamina for relationships right now. So, like in your experience at the moment, because there's a lot of ghosting that both guests and clients tell me about in the dating up world, particularly where people just kind of like you make this connection and they give up. So, yeah, what's your experience with that, if it has been something you've come across?

Speaker 1 15:11

I don't think there's been a lot of ghosting, but things do fizzle down, right, you make an initial connection. Then, the more you get to know each other, you're like you know what I like the version I made of you in my head a lot better, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 15:29

Right.

Speaker 1 15:29

And that's valid, that's absolutely valid, thank you. And then you're like you know what? It's okay, you're gonna be fine, I'm gonna be fine, we're better solo.

Speaker 2 15:42

And also it's like, I think, a little bit of forgiveness as well, because you have to kind of create a version of someone in your head, because that's what your brain does.

Speaker 1 15:51

Yeah, and the less information you have, the more you fill in.

Navigating Relationship Compromises and Expectations

Speaker 2 15:54

Yes yeah, yes, I remember when I was at least 10 years old it was definitely in my 20s this was my thing. I would always, you know, put on my favorite, like R&B jams, and then, like you, make all of these sexy scenarios.

Speaker 2 16:10

Do you know what I mean, and it's just kind of like mm. Okay, I've weaned off that because it's just, it can be a bit dangerous, I think, because then, as we were saying, you don't get attached to you, don't? You haven't chosen love. You're then fantasizing about something that isn't real right, but having an idea of someone is what they are.

Speaker 1 16:29

I've been reading this book and it says that we fantasize about our prom date, but not our future partner. Ooh, everything that we think we want right, we want the guy to be told to like make good money, to be funny, to do this, that, that, that, but and that's what dating apps give you right, things that you can compare and you are what you measure Right. And the things that we measure and we compare are things that will be desirable on a prom date, but not necessarily on a life partner.

Speaker 1 17:03

Ooh, because you cannot measure kindness, you cannot measure willingness, you cannot measure intelligence. On a dating app, I mean, I think I'm pretty smart, but it's not until you meet me that you. It's up to you to decide. Like okay, she's smart or not, or like, oh, pretentious, right, you cannot measure the things that are really important long term Right, okay, I hear that.

Speaker 2 17:30

Hmm, very interesting.

Speaker 1 17:33

I'm so into stats Scientific research.

Speaker 2 17:36

Studies like I cannot tell.

Speaker 1 17:42

Amadorik 100%, so into this so like.

Speaker 2 17:48

So we've dived into, like your experience in Portugal, because, of course, every country and then every city has its trends with dating et cetera. But what about your experience from your side in terms of some of the things that have come up, whether in your current dating experience or in your past relationships? I know like offline, we were talking about how you were with a Briton who you know, one of us, and you know what kind of things came up that you know for a fact have been a result of the way you grew up, for example, or your experiences, or your parenting, anything like that, because that our audience loves this and we're all on our healing journey.

Speaker 1 18:30

Yeah, 100% Okay. So I was in this 10 year long relationship. I was engaged for five of it, big, serious relationship, and I was working like a crazy person, also like on my professional way up and when, eventually, I was like okay, I'm ready, I'm good, I quit my job as CEO to start my own company. And I was like now I'm gonna have time, I'm gonna have time to find the wedding, I'm gonna have time to look into this like future family that I want to have. And once I stopped and had a breather, I was like we are not good, we're not, we're divorced, waiting to happen, because everything that made the relationship hard is exactly what is gonna make it not work out long term. But dad sent me spiraling into a healing journey because I knew this all along. Why did I stay there for 10 years? Because I was okay compromising, but I was not okay with my future children having to compromise.

Speaker 2 19:44

Yes, yes, look, I don't know when this episode is coming out, but right now, in this particular moment like this, is something that I'm working on for a next live event, which is why I'm so excited, because I'm so fucking fed up of all of us compromising at some point.

Speaker 1 20:02

You have to compromise.

Speaker 2 20:03

There is like little compromises. You know what?

Speaker 1 20:05

Like I'm fine with, like yes, you're not. I've mainly dated people that are not Latin. Mm-hmm, biggest compromise is always dancing why would you dance? And it's not lit. So that is a big compromise. And I love dancing. I mean it's in my soul, Is it?

Speaker 2 20:31

that they condense, or what is it Okay?

Speaker 1 20:36

There is like dancing and there is like us. Yeah, it's like we grow up dancing. We grow up feeling the music. Never in our lives Like we cannot name a single step, nor do we know what account is Right. You just dance Right, that's what it is. We flow with the music. So guess what, if you date outside of your culture, that is a tiny problem that you're going to come across 17,000 times.

Speaker 2 21:04

Yes, that's true, but that's a workable compromise.

Speaker 1 21:08

Unless you're a professional, it is a huge compromise, I know. Huge because, like it brings happiness to my soul. Yeah, but it's a compromise that I am 100%.

Speaker 2 21:20

But that's what we learn, right Like. Okay, you can't learn the passion for Latin music, no, you can Like. You can like Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 21:28

You can appreciate it. You can work. Yeah, you can make it work. You can okay, but you're not going to have that innate like love, no, no. And that's it. Another thing that I thought I was willing to compromise Mm-hmm, and I'm pretty sure I'm not is someone being bilingual Spanish English.

Speaker 1 21:50

Oh, they have to speak Spanish At least like some Spanish, but like my family, speaks no English whatsoever. Okay, so if I were to date someone that only spoke English? I am signing up to be the automated like translator for the rest of my life Right.

Speaker 1 22:13

Yeah, I feel like, okay, you at least have to have some basic like working knowledge. Yeah, understand a little bit or be willing to like try, yes, yeah. But before I thought I was like no, I'm fine with that, like I'm okay. And as years went by I was like you know what I'm not okay with this? No, yeah, dancing, I'm still willing to compromise the bilingual maybe not so much.

Speaker 2 22:38

What about someone who doesn't like arepas?

Speaker 1 22:41

My British guy did not like arepas. I went a long time. It was like a treat I will eat arepas like a few times a year, oh my God. But I was willing to compromise that.

Speaker 2 22:54

I was willing to compromise. I think that's bigger than dancing, to be honest.

Speaker 1 22:57

Right, no, and I came up with like a different recipe where I would like, could like each cheddar in the dough. Made it British. I made it British.

Speaker 2 23:10

She made it British.

Speaker 1 23:10

But you know what I feel you can compromise Right, that love cooking and like that is just a challenge. I can overcome a challenge. Dancing that's like a quest and I am not ready for that.

Speaker 2 23:27

That's a project, that's for another, that's another lifetime.

Speaker 1 23:31

Yeah, no, that's a lot.

Speaker 2 23:32

No, I think it's so insightful. I think one of the things I learned because we were talking offline as well, like so I was engaged, so it was really interesting. So I was just telling, wow, who's that calling?

Speaker 2 23:47

You see what I mean. Like we were literally just saying so funny, we were literally just saying before this if the phone rings, the dog barks. Invisible, invisible, you keep going. So I'm just going to keep going. Stop ringing, because you're distracting, so, anyway. So one of the things, so I was, within for four years, engaged for one year, and one of my things was the fact that you know, I definitely want a more alpha person, a more alpha man, because I know now you know it's a very expensive lesson, okay, to call off a wedding less than three months away. I know, super expensive. My dress was so beautiful, oh, but it's okay.

Speaker 2 24:33

You know it's. You know I was not prepared to go into a marriage where I was predominantly sitting in my masculine energy which is what I've been working on for the last couple of years, because it was.

Speaker 1 24:49

I didn't know. I didn't know well, clearly anybody else would have told me, but I didn't know. I was sitting in my masculine energy, right, until I came out of that relationship and started meeting guys that pretty much to control. Yes, the first time that someone was like, oh, be ready at six o'clock, and I was like that's it, I'll pick you up at six o'clock and with those stuff, okay, and then we'll get in the car and be like we're having a drink here and after this, where you were near, but a lot of my, oh, my God, this is amazing and it's not to say like I love it. I love someone sitting in the like masculine energy and allowing me to be in my beautiful female energy. Yes, which is fine. When I'm at work, I'm super masculine, exactly, I run a big company and I have to like do all these things that I have to take control, and no, I can't be a beautiful flower, but in my personal life, I want to sit on my feet. Yeah, I want someone that enjoys that that's a key thing.

Speaker 2 25:59

I think someone who doesn't see it as this kind of okay like I'm picking up a slack for her as someone who enjoys and can do it well right, because there's a lot of like I wanted men who were like I want to lead and it's like, but can you lead?

Speaker 1 26:12

That's the thing and that's my biggest problem, because after so many years leading, You're going to be a better leader than me. Exactly, I want you to be a better leader. I want you to be like. I want you to take control, but own it. I want you to like be confident.

Speaker 2 26:30

Yes, and I think with the leadership as well. I think because there are some men are very alpha but they can only really be with a woman like not like you and I or anyone in the audience or any guests I've had. You have to be super alpha.

Speaker 1 26:44

Yes, you have to be really alpha to see all of this magic. And you're like, you know what? I know you think you have like the right here, but guess what?

Speaker 2 26:54

Yes, but also allow us to not blindly follow you either, because we're strong women, oh, 100%, we'll sprinkle our stuff and be like actually no, but ultimately you're going to lead, you know, yeah.

Speaker 1 27:09

Yeah, I want a negotiation. Yeah, I want that little back and forth Like okay, we're going to do whatever you say. Give me a little bit of like spice. I love it.

Speaker 2 27:22

I think I think one of the biggest gifts is going through a very long term relationship, like exactly how both you and I we've both been in contact, We've both broken off engagements and had that aha moment which I'm sure like if your family or anything like mine and like his they were like, but why, you know? Because on paper, but he's such a good person and it's like, yeah, but my soul is saying no, my soul is saying we can't do this.

Speaker 1 27:50

So this was the warper about my family. When they found out the news, every single person was like is he okay? Oh, wow. And I was like, wow, where's loyalty here? Because we're like, we know you're going to be OK, Right.

Speaker 2 28:08

And I was like well, you know what?

Speaker 1 28:10

I'm also going through a breakup. Yeah, I might be all strong and confident, but guess what I do? Want people to take care of me. Yes, of course. So that was. I was like, wow, that hurt.

Speaker 2 28:22

Yeah, well, you know, I had for the majority. I had people be like. Once I explained they were like OK, well, it's better this, it makes sense A divorce right. Yeah, but you could feel some people were a bit silent like, oh, are you just having a, you know kind of like no, no, no, these are not jitters.

Speaker 1 28:43

Like you know, this is something else.

Speaker 2 28:44

Yeah, oh man, oh honey, I wish we had way, way way more time, I know.

Speaker 2 28:51

I feel like we could talk about this all day. I'm just like, oh man, but you're only in Portugal, so, and in Lisbon as well. So, yeah, you must let me know. I'm in Faro. Actually, I'm in Faro in again, don't know when this episode is coming out, so this could make no sense, but I'm just going to say it anyway. I'm in Faro end of August. So if you happen to be in Faro, let me know. I'm there for the British bank holiday, that weird one. Why do we even have that? I don't even know why we have that bank holiday, but anyway, I'm there for it. I'm not sure what it is, but yeah, I'm there for it. It's like the carnival one. Okay, yeah, if you happen to be there that would be amazing.

Speaker 1 29:31

Yeah, but it's like two and a half hours away.

Speaker 2 29:33

It's not that far. Oh my God, I can't go down anytime. Yeah, so I'm going with my Spanish friend. She's bringing her dog, so she's like champion trainer of you know all the guys. This is amazing. Yeah, so she does all of that and she's like wow, why don't we drive to Faro from South Spain?

Speaker 1 29:51

And that's it, gross laugh.

Speaker 2 29:55

Sorry. So what happened at that Four or two? We drive byAPPLAUSE for this episode. Oh my God, jenny, this is so good social media and your website, so that we can all stock here heavily.

Online Marketing Company Social Media Profile

Speaker 1 30:25

All right. So all my social media. You can find me as online Jen. I feel like that's another girl. Yes, way too much fun. She's online Jen and this is offline Jen. She's kind of fun, but sometimes she doesn't happen to her. So, online Jen, on social media, I've rock ahead network for my company. I run an online marketing company and that's it. But if you want to know what I'm up to worldwide, just follow me. Yes, I am an oversharer.

Speaker 2 31:00

There you go. There you go, guys. So you might get more than you bargained for. We said three for one earlier. I could be five for one, yeah no, no, no Go in there.

Speaker 1 31:10

No, but I tried to do a lot of like stuff to do with being an online marketer, with like traveling the world for work, but also being family oriented and my whole like cultural background and the fact that I love being around people and seeing new places and seeing cultures. So there's like a lot. There is nothing. The theme is online, jen.

Speaker 2 31:33

Love it, love it, absolutely love it. Ok, I'm definitely going to give you an ad on Instagram, and it was absolute pleasure. Please say some back, allow if I'm going to see you in August. 100 percent.

Speaker 1 31:49

Thank you. Thank you so much.