Fun and Flirty at Fifty with Founder, Stefani Havel

Speaker 1: 0:00

Did I give it away? Oh, was it persuasion? You are in my space, I, I owe it. I Don't care what you say, I'm loving it this way. I'm hoping that you stay. I, I owe it. It's only you, wasn't you? She's only you. It's only you, I love you, I'm loving of you.

Speaker 2: 0:26

It's only you. I love you. I love you. Stephanie Havel, all the way from Minnesota again, I've just learned that's a whole state on its own. I thought it was a city. I learned every single episode about the US. You know I love my American and she's a keynote speaker and behavior and personality style coach and together we're going to be talking about being fun and flirty over 50. Welcome, stephanie.

Speaker 1: 1:17

Thank you, Rachel. It's great to be here and, yeah, looking forward to this conversation today.

Speaker 2: 1:23

Yes, me too. You popped on and I was like, oh wow, she's sparkly. But so, just so we get my zodiac brain out of the way, like, what is your star sign? Are you a Virgo?

Speaker 1: 1:33

Really no, I'm a cancer, 100% to my poor. I'm a cancer.

Speaker 2: 1:39

Oh well, I love cancers. I think you're one of the best people on the planet. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:43

Oh well, thank you what I'm curious, what made you think of Virgo?

Speaker 2: 1:47

You're just the light, yeah, and just the glow, and you're like hey, I was like oh my god, she's Virgo sister, I'll take cancer and I will take cancer again. Yeah, okay, all right. But zodiac sign like tell us all about your business, what do you do like you know, how do you serve?

Speaker 1: 2:06

basically, Right, awesome. Well, thank you for asking. So a couple of different hats I wear as a entrepreneur kind of a new word I came up with as a newpreneur because I'm newer to the entrepreneur world, so my passion really is speaking, is public speaking, motivational speaking and sales training. My background is corporate America and so I'm learning after 25 years in corporate America. Being out on my own is a whole different world, and so one of my primary things I speak on is affirmations, and so, again, it's kind of lifting people up.

Speaker 1: 2:43

I developed a mindset system where I help people take them through an exercise about associating words and phrases of affirmation using the letters of your name, because I feel like so. Especially us women, sometimes we struggle to feel good about ourselves, we have limiting self beliefs and we have all these barriers, and so it's like well, gosh, you know I think I'm a good person, you know I'm happy most of the time, and so one of the things I created with my mindset system is, if you see how my name is spelled, that's S-T-E-F-A-N-I, and so I would encourage people. So I tell people that I'm Stephanie. I am a strong, talented, energetic, fierce, amazing, next level inspiring person. So I've taken those words and phrases and so we could say you know who is Rachel. She is resilient, she's amazing, charming, happy, excellent, loving, laughable, right? Yes, so I do some workshops and keynote speaking on affirmations and then, along with that which you mentioned, my title Behavior and Personality Style Coach and people like you know what is that? Am I analyzing people? Am I judging people? And it's not that at all.

Speaker 1: 3:58

It's based off of a program called DISC D-I-S-C and basically you fall into one of four categories and it's really just your behavior style how do you work, how do you kind of think through things and your communication style. So there's the D, which is a very high driver, like what you might be is let's go, let's chop, chop, we got to get things done, we got to make things happen. They're very short and to the point, but they make things happen. Then there's the I person, who is the influencer, which is myself or kind of more high energy, charismatic. We're like whoo alright, let's get this party started. And then there's the X behavior style, which is somebody who's more steady, who kind of just helps everybody go with the flow. They don't like a lot of changes, but just kind of help everybody keep things together.

Speaker 1: 4:44

And then the C person, which sometimes might be your assistant or your coach. They're very detail oriented, they're very organized and they just they like to be very factual and very precise and accurate. So what I do is when I go into companies I can do one-on-one training or I go into companies and just really help people understand their communication style and also that of others. So it really helps you have a more cohesive working unit. You can collaborate like, you can understand, like geez, why is she like so always right to the point, oh, that's her behavior style, and then you can learn how to relate to it. So that's really kind of all of it in a nutshell.

Speaker 2: 5:24

Yes, okay, so that makes sense, because I did see that and I thought, hmm, Okay, that could go any of. Any way is basically, but I love that you focus on that, because really knowing people at their core is how you bring out the best in them. Isn't it like? Not like a cog in the works? You know, we've all got our own thing.

Speaker 1: 5:41

Yes, for sure, and again, when. The more you understand yourself, then you and you can understand other people and how to relate. And sometimes people will say, well, I'm not going to change how I am, they should adapt to me. And it's not that you know, I am very high energy but I can also be that very accurate detail. I worked in the financial services industry so I had to be very compliant, very accurate, analytical. But I just didn't enjoy it if I had to do spreadsheets and data and graphs all day. Hope to needles in my eyes. I wanted to be the sales person out on the forefront and doing all that stuff. So that's where you understand as a, you know, as a leader, or when you're communicating with people. It's putting people on the right seats on the bus right. If we're going to get a project done, we've got to move thing forward. We got to make sure that we have all the right people doing the things that they love and they excel at and they do well at.

Speaker 2: 6:33

Hmm, I love that. So I was actually going to ask you know what made you leave corporate America, but you've just told me that you, you know, stick to pins in your eyes. So, in terms of dating then. So how does what you do help you in dating in terms of knowing who you are and all the kind of analytical stuff that you look at in terms of personalities, etc.

Speaker 1: 6:58

Well, I think the definitely understanding the behavior styles of the personality styles and dating. I just like how you asked about my zodiac sign, which I love because I'm totally into that and I've always I have to know the man sign as well, because, yes, are we going to get along or what's he going to?

Speaker 2: 7:14

be like yes.

Speaker 1: 7:15

So so one just in terms of dating I do. I like to know, because it says to, if we're going to go on a date with somebody. So again, I'm not very high person. If he's that D driver, he's going to say, okay, you know, we're going to go to this restaurant, meet me there at seven o'clock. Some people like, oh gosh, what a jerk. You know, he's just very straightforward, so be like, okay, that works great, I'll be there at seven o'clock, see you then.

Speaker 1: 7:40

And so so using that behavior and personality style has helped me and it's always great dialogue because people naturally love to talk about themselves and I find most people are fascinated when I tell them about the, what I do and what I train on, and they want to know and Elsa and I see like light bulbs, really, really, really good dialogue and I encourage other women and friends and family to kind of understand it as well. But then you know, even the public's, even affirmations, rachel has been so great because not only women but men to sometimes, you know, struggle to feel good about themselves or feel confident. You know, there's so much pressure on them. So when we even talk about the affirmations, it's been great to connect with men and let them know that it's okay to you know, be vulnerable and share some things that you feel that you're good at, and maybe those softer skills are great to share as well. But it's definitely been fun. You know, I'm proud to say I'm 55 years old.

Speaker 2: 8:45

Actually I'll be 56 in July because I'm going to say and you're looking amazing, and if you can't see you right now, but you look amazing. When you said that, I was like, oh my God, she's stunning.

Speaker 1: 8:55

Oh well, thank you. That's very sweet of you to say I feel good. I feel really good about where I'm at and. But I've been single my whole life. I've never been married. I have no kids, so sometimes that's an anomaly and I've struggled with it over the years. I was engaged, we married and didn't really marry and it's probably the best thing that ever happened to me. Nice, looking back. It really wasn't a healthy relationship, but I it does.

Speaker 1: 9:21

It gets more challenging as you get older and people get set in their ways and set in their jobs, like as a new person, as a new, new premier, new solar premier. Starting out, I'm really busy and I don't necessarily have a whole lot of time to date, but I'd love to. I love that companionship and share ideas and somebody to kind of go along this journey with me, right? So sometimes that can be challenging, just being busy and trying to start my own business and not having a lot of time. It's not that I don't want to, you know, I definitely want to make the time, but it's. You know, your schedule gets limited, as you probably know as well.

Speaker 2: 10:00

Yes, I do know what's so interesting, like I would love to dive into when you were going to get married and did it's like tell us more about that, because I'm sure people would love to know, especially because you're like it's the best thing ever happened to me, like it was a life, my life got saved, basically.

Speaker 1: 10:16

Yeah, well, and thank you for asking and that's why I feel so passionate to about sharing my story with women and men, everybody. Because, just going back to you know, sometimes people will look at a person and say, oh geez, you know, look at her, her life is perfect and she's got a good job or she's pretty, she has a nice family, should this, and that she have no idea, like you, start to peel back the layers of the onion and see like, wow, how did this person get to where they're at? How does she feel confident being single at 56 years old? Right? So yeah, I was dating my college sweetheart. I grew up with a great family, my life was great. I was in college and I was dating my college sweetheart and we had dated for nine years. He was a professional hockey player, so he was living actually over in Europe and Germany.

Speaker 1: 11:02

At the time I was home in the United States, in Minnesota, and I was busy planning my wedding and everything, and this was a quite a long time ago. So there wasn't cell phones and pagers and emails. There wasn't a lot of ways to communicate, so I didn't talk to him a lot because it was very expensive to call. Understand, of course, yeah, so. So we were planning to get married in June and it was, I think, april, mid to late April. Right around this time and I called over to his house where he was living in Germany and his family said oh no, he left to go home to America. This morning I was like oh, what? Oh, so cute.

Speaker 1: 11:43

He surprised you, right, exactly, come home and pick in the flowers. You know all this stuff on the chariot, okay, I've watched too many homework movies. So he, you know he came home and he just said I'm not ready to do this, I don't. There's other things that I want to do with my life. I do not want to get married. So he was planning to move to Las Vegas, nevada, and he said I'm still moving there, but I'm moving without you. And I was like, oh, okay, well, this is not what I had planned for my life. I had quit my job, I was living at home with my dad, he was selling our house, he was getting remarried and selling our house. I'm like, okay, this is great, I have no job because I was just working at temp agency, because there's going to be moving, I have no boyfriend and now no place to live.

Speaker 1: 12:35

But it was. I mean, obviously it was very devastating at the time but looking back, it wasn't the most healthy relationship. It was long distance and if anybody's ever been a long distance relationship, you know sometimes there's a little bit delusions of grandeur, I call it. Like you know, we didn't talk as often and then, of course, you remember all the good times and all the good things, that. But what I really respected about him and I'm still friends with him to this day yeah, he he's.

Speaker 1: 13:03

He pursued his dreams. He really he was not going to make it as a professional athlete, he, but he really wanted to give that a shot and he just didn't feel like if we got married. Then my plan in my head was whatever you know gal does in America, you know Catholic family, my friends, did you get your data guy, you get married, you have 2.5 kids and buy a house, you do your job and that's just your life. And that's kind of what I had thought, that's kind of the world that I grew up in, right, and so.

Speaker 1: 13:32

But he just really wanted to pursue his dreams and I really wasn't living out what I was wanting to do. I was kind of just going with him, like I'm going to help him pursue his dream because this is what he wants and he's going to have a great go at it. So he just said, if you come with me and I get married and probably not going to pursue my dream, and there's a part of me that wants to live in Europe and I was like I don't know I like my family here in in in home in Minnesota my brothers and my sisters. My mom had died when I was 19. So it's very close with my family and I didn't want to move out of the country.

Speaker 2: 14:11

And good for you for knowing that and listening to your intuition and being like actually know because I don't know the percentage, but definitely long distance relationships Women do tend to move more and you know, sometimes it works, but sometimes maybe they're desperate to live in that place great. But for those that feel a lot like you do and don't listen to into the intuition, it's not like you're just abandoning yourself.

Speaker 1: 14:35

Yeah, and you think so much that you know this is what I should do. I should support him and and I did. I mean we were, we kind of did our own thing while we're dating. I mean he did go off and play hockey in Europe. I stayed home, I was going to college and working and being with my family, you know, kind of rebuilding our life after my mom had passed. So it was so I felt good about that part.

Speaker 1: 14:56

I wasn't a good place in my life and the fact that I did kind of follow what I wanted to do.

Speaker 1: 15:02

But then I was like, okay, I should do support him. So when I say was really the best thing is I probably would have moved, I wouldn't have been happy Living out kind of his purpose and history and putting my stuff on the back burner, yeah, or you know, if we would have had kids and then moving kids and so he I mean he is a professional hockey coach in Germany he is doing exactly what he wants to do and me I'm doing exactly what I want to do. I've always been passionate about inspiring and motivating people and lifting people up. I've suffered tragedies in my life and I've overcome them, and so I'm just so. I feel like it's. It's crazy how we just have come full circle and you know, looking back to him and I were both doing exactly what we wanted to do, but had we got married we probably wouldn't have, as I've been living out our lives as as maybe God had intended us to live it out.

Speaker 2: 15:56

That's so interesting and I just want I love that you're still friends and to I love that you. You recognize that like actually, because I think some people just kind of get caught up in the oh, isn't love everything and love isn't enough on its own when, when it's to do with marriage, and a lot of people just use that get married, and then they have the anti climax afterwards because they're like oh shit, I'm not fulfilled, I'm not happy, because it's just one part of it, isn't it? It's, it's a part of it.

Speaker 1: 16:24

And I've. You know, I can tell you, rachel, I've struggled to. I mean I've had just my ebbs and flows. I mean obviously was a devastating time.

Speaker 1: 16:31

Well then I started dating and that was fun, nice. I dated just the exact opposite type of men. I mean, my fiance, my ex fiance, was, you know, college. He was very smart in college, he was a professional athlete, very disciplined. What was he? Dis or K, it's a C, it's a day, I see, that's okay. Oh, he was a very high D, very driven, okay, very, very driven, but little bit introvert. So a little bit of that C, you know, kind of analytical, having a plan and so forth, but very much a D, direct to the point. And sometimes that's hard for people of my style because we're like, oh, we just always want to have all the fun and when somebody comes at us that that directly, it's hard for us. Yeah, but yeah, you know, so I just so. Then I just started dating the wild child's, right, I mean I, that's what the fun and flirty. I was like whoa, I'm just going to have some fun now.

Speaker 1: 17:33

I kind of had a series of relationships and, you know, and even having kids. I always thought that I would have kids. I love kids. I volunteer at my church in the children's ministry, I'm very involved in my niece and nephews lives, but I just never ended up meeting the right person that I wanted to get married with or have a family, and I think it's possible not to have kids but to get married. You know so many people talk about. Oh, you know, geez, you know I'm gonna get you know. My parents are married for 2530 years. Well, okay, I plan to live for a long time. I could still be married to somebody for 20 years.

Speaker 1: 18:07

I'm married at 56 and still have a great 2025 year marriage, just exactly second half of my life. I called Stephanie 2.0. Yes, some people some people get married for 20 years and I get divorced. Some people, you know, stay single and then get married right. So I think you can really have it both ways and be happy.

Speaker 2: 18:26

I love that and I just I've had my own epiphany. So I turn I'm going to be 34 in September. I know I look like I'm 12. You look very young. Yes, I rocked up today and I was like I'm not in glamour. She's going to be like wow, she's nine. Hey, take it, sister. It helps. It helps sometimes where there's like are you a student? Yes, I am, I am under 18. But I just have this huge epiphany and I joke that I was like is it because this was like Jesus's age, like 33.

Speaker 2: 19:08

Just this realization that life is so incredibly long. You know, like being 50 for me that's still young. You know your energy is so vibrant, stephanie, and I just think like wow, you completely inspire me. I'm like that is, that's a long time, like we have a long time in our lives and it's just about what you want to do with it. And when you look at it with the love lens, it's like oh, actually, I don't have to settle for this, I don't have to marry that person, I don't need to do this, and all that pressure comes off and the beauty of science now, like if we're talking back to babies, is incredible. So, you know, women are, I think Cameron Diaz. Oh, she's 45 and she had her kids.

Speaker 1: 19:53

I mean, I look at you know Hoda Katb. She's an anchor on the Today Show, national reporter and she's 53 and she adopted her first child and then she adopted another one at 55. So, yeah, and I will tell you to any of your young listeners and even to yourself, because I was there, I almost got married because I was 28. I was like this is what I'm supposed to do. Only other friends are getting married and everybody's having kids and I'm all alone. And I see it so much on social media, these young women in their 30s and their 30s you know, 30s to 40s thinking I'm never going to meet anybody. It's, it's. This is awful, and I just want to tell you that you know what, enjoy it, make the most of it, travel, work on your success, do all the things you want, just so that you're ready. So when you meet that person, you're really ready and you're fulfilled, because I see that so much. They got married like I was going to do. I was going to give everything to my husband and to my kids, and some people they love that. That's their favorite role as being a mom and a wife and that's great. But then they feel like now what? Okay, my kids are growing up, yeah, as he's retired from his job, now he wants to travel and he wants to do all this stuff and it's like and you haven't got to do anything you wanted to do Exactly. So take that pressure off. And again, it was hard.

Speaker 1: 21:14

Sometimes I identified myself as single. I will say one of the mistakes that I made was I felt like that defined who I was. That's how I define myself as oh, I'm Stephanie Havel and I'm single. And it's like, like married people don't do that Like, hi, I'm married, you know, or I'm a wife, but I just I felt like I don't know what it was, but I just felt like I had that just defined who I was. And there's part of me I felt like shame and embarrassment and guilt when I said it. And now I look at it as, oh hello, I am single, I am successful, I'm having fun and and.

Speaker 1: 21:54

But I think when you're confident in yourself, about being single, that's when you know you're going to project that onto other people. And yes, people love confidence, they love assault. Just like you want a guy, I don't want somebody who's wishy-washy, can make a decision, doesn't know what they want. But you also have to be that person. You can't be wishy-washy. Wishy-washy or sad like oh, I didn't get to do this, I didn't get to do that. Hey, this is my life, this is the way you know. I was redirected Exactly.

Speaker 2: 22:25

And it's. You know, it's so funny I can't remember where. I think it was a real or something, but it was about confidence and it was like just just do it anyway, like just just be as confident as you can, especially with the dating, even if you're faking it, even if you don't feel like it, because that is, you know, you're just drawn to that because you people really can't tell the difference between fake confidence and real confidence. So just go for it. Yes.

Speaker 1: 22:52

Well, and that's why I like the affirmations. It's one of those things that you can do, kind of pump yourself up before you're going to go on a date, right, like, okay, can I? I'm on this way to this date. Okay, stephanie, you can do this, you're strong and you're talented and you're energetic and you're fierce and you're amazing and you're next level and I'm inspiring. Like, oh, then you walk into this date and you feel great and you can feel it.

Speaker 1: 23:14

So, because you think about those words and phrases and yeah, and it's, it's hard, you know navigating, especially when you get older and dating it is a whole different level. Like I do watch a lot of just different TikToks and dating coaches and reels and all that kind of stuff and I'm like, yeah, well, that's probably more dating advice for somebody in their 30s and 40s, cause when you get in your 50s, you know you're more established. I am, obviously. I can have kids and I'm not looking to have kids. I just I have a whole different set of things that I'm looking for.

Speaker 1: 23:45

I probably don't. I don't have time to talk to you and text you every day, all day, if I'm dating a guy and I text him and he hasn't texted me back for two days. I'm like, oh okay, hey, how you been, cause I'm the same way. It's like sometimes I might just have to give him a little thumbs up because I'm busy, I'm doing podcasts and I'm speaking and I'm traveling and I'm in my zone and I'm thinking about things. And it's not that I don't think about you or care about you, but I just got a lot of shit going on right now and I need somebody that respects that. And so sometimes, you know, younger men may not always, or younger women don't always, understand that, but it's just, I think, if you have that communication and just no expectations, just we're busy, we've got a lot of stuff going on, and just enjoy it for the moment, live for the moment.

Speaker 2: 24:32

I love what you've just said because I am looking at a lot of um, avoidment and anxious attachment styles and I'm really interested in as a relationship coach and seeing other relationship coaches we're never the same, like we're all very, very different. Attachments styles I feel are really important. But it's really interesting looking at avoid an attachment styles because, um, just exactly what you said, like there are coaches in the thirties and forties and they're talking about if a guy or a girl or you know whoever you're attracted to doesn't reply, this is normally the men that are the issue. Actually, to be honest, they don't reply in two days or they disappear. Um, you know, that's labeled as inconsistent, that's labeled as this this label is that and I'm not condoning bread crumbing, because I think that's that's different Like if you're not getting anything from this person and it's been dragging on, it's different.

Speaker 2: 25:24

But there are situations where you know there are a lot of women that, particularly ones that are self-made, one another, alpha man, um, for example, if that's what they're attracted to and that comes with things like you just said, hey, he may not even remember. That doesn't mean that you're not important, it doesn't mean that he's not interested, but it's you need to look back at yourself and ask yourself okay, what's my attachment style? You know, am I? Am I a secure attachment style? Cause a secure attachment person knows what they need, but they're not going to freak out if someone doesn't reply in two days. You know so Well and it's hard, you know.

Speaker 1: 25:59

Trust me, ladies, I've been ghosted, I've been stood up, I've been bread crumbed, um, I've dated the narcissist. That's why I said I feel like I always say I'm going to write a book about my dating stories, because you know, I could talk for two hours on different stories and different things and what I would just say, kind of it is what has taught me as I've gotten older and still being single. But I'm just grateful that I just didn't settle for a relationship and hoping that it was going to get better, or thinking it's going to get better, or even thinking that it was me. I mean, I'm always open to constructive criticism. I'm kind of a personal development junkie, cause I truly believe you do have to look at yourself. You know why? Why does this keep happening to me? Am I, you know? Do I have unrealistic expectations or, um, is there something that I need to work on? I really think it is important that you take a self reflection and look at, look at it. But the more you're confident in who you are and what you want to be and who you believe in, that's again just goes back to my affirmations.

Speaker 1: 27:01

I truly believe those words and phrases of my name. I am strong. I have suffered a lot of adversity in my life, um, but I'm strong and I've gotten through it and I'm talented. I'm going to get jobs, I'm going to have opportunities because I have talents and I have energy, I get sleep, I work out, um, and fierce, right, I fight and I'm fierce and I believe in that, and so, um, and I think I'm amazing and I call myself next level, uh, right, so, whatever your words are, believe that and think about that. When these things happen, if some guy, if I'm just not for him, I think what a lot of women miss is. We reject a lot of guys too. We think why do all these guys keep ghosting me or neglecting me? Well, there's probably a lot of men that you've neglected. You just don't even realize you know right?

Speaker 2: 27:45

I mean, there's a lot of.

Speaker 1: 27:46

I get a lot of likes and messages no-transcript site of no, not interested. So that doesn't you know. So there are people that like you, but so you do have your standards. So don't give so much power. Like when somebody does it to you sometimes it is your just I don't like. When I hear these calls, they say they just don't like you.

Speaker 2: 28:04

Yeah, they're just not that into your idea. I do love that.

Speaker 1: 28:07

We're just going back to those behavior styles You're just different behavior styles and you just don't gel together and that's okay, it really is.

Speaker 1: 28:15

You know, we I think sometimes I've done it to you you build these guys up to be something more than what they are. And it's really like I just was kind of reading about this as I just met somebody recently and it's like I'm kind of almost more attracted to the idea of what he can do for me, like he could be this great companion and he could travel with me and do all this kind of stuff. And it's like I don't even know him that well, like he might just annoy the heck out of me, exactly Like he might make a mess in the bathroom and not make the bed and snore and all this other stuff. I might not even like him, yes, but I find myself really wanting to be in a relationship with him because like, oh, what could he bring to the relationship? So I'm thinking more about what he brings rather than who the actual person is.

Speaker 2: 29:00

I love that. I love that, yeah, Because it that's so good, Because it's not necessarily. I just feel like, as women, we do get into that. You know, we have your, your like slow jams on your phone and then you meet someone you're excited about and then you start fantasizing all of this stuff and you have to anchor yourself back and be like, actually I don't know them. I need to experience all of these things with them and take it one step at a time.

Speaker 1: 29:27

You know absolutely, because, again, I'm guilty of it too Sometimes we get so caught up in thinking what could be and this is it and this is it, and we don't even know the person and then we're so devastated and it doesn't work out and it's like it wasn't the person. It was what that experience that we wanted. So create those experiences for yourself and that's where you know even back to my story about my ex fiance really is like I had this dream of like what him and I were going to be together we're going to be married and it wasn't. It wasn't. He really wasn't the person.

Speaker 1: 29:59

There was a lot of not great things in our relationship that I was overlooking because I so wanted what you know he could, what him and I could represent together, and I was really going down the wrong path because it's like I just wanted this marriage and kids and all the things that I thought I'd lived up for my life. Yes, he wasn't the right person, so I could have had those things, but he really I was ignoring a lot of red flags and inconsistencies in our relationship because of what I wanted. So that would be just something to really I think women we need to think about is are we in love with the person? Are we in love with what? The? What did you call it? Kind of just the whole idea of it.

Speaker 2: 30:38

All Right, and do you know what's so interesting as well? Like I think, particularly like late, late twenties, early thirties you said something that was really stuck in my brain. I was like, oh, please don't let me lose it and don't let me forget what I was going to say, because I'll end the episode and be like, oh shit, should have said that. But it's exactly what you said.

Speaker 2: 30:57

Like a lot of us, a lot of us women, like you know, you get to the wedding day or you get close to it and and you feel this, it's almost like the sense of triumph, of like I've gone through all of this and the universe owes me this and I've earned this. And we get attached to it as if it's like another degree or another promotion. And you know, we need to separate that and look at it actually for what it is. You know, can this person serve me? Do I serve them? Is it going to work? And yeah, I think, particularly social media. Now, honestly, like I'm really trying to limit I don't know about you, but I'm really trying to limit how much I'm on social media, because it's just a highlight reel of other women competing with each other in terms of, all right, I've got married, I've got the kids, I've got the house. What have you got?

Speaker 1: 31:44

You know, and that's what I said, to why I felt like for so many years I felt like I had to lead with I'm single, you know. Like that's who I am. There's nothing else about me, not that I have this amazing career and have a great family. I'm an amazing aunt, I'm a great sister, I'm a great daughter. I'm single. And you know, and as you get older, I can't tell you how many people are like, oh God, you're so lucky I live in this beautiful house. My girlfriends come over, like, oh my God, I got to come over, I got to get away from my husband and kids. I'm like, sure, come on over, it's nice and peaceful here, it's calm. No, like you said, you know, preparing for this, for this podcast, right, there's no interruptions, it's just me and sometimes it feels really good.

Speaker 2: 32:32

And everything's white I can see. So I know you definitely don't have kids, because there would be like crayons everywhere.

Speaker 1: 32:39

Yeah, that's what I have, some great niece and nephews there are five and three there. And Stephanie, when can we come over? I'm like, oh, maybe in the summer we can be outside with the bubble machine, we'll go to the pool, because the inside of my house is not child-proof at all, but it did always look like this either. I've lived here for 20 years and finally I'm, you know, settled in and so forth. But yeah, I just think there is so much pressure to be in a relationship, and if you look at so many celebrities now Jennifer Aniston, I think, even this Hoda Cappie she left this man. They adapted kids together and then they broke up and she said, no, she's good Raising the kids on her own, she's got a nanny and it's OK, you don't have, there's no, I think, and hopefully that's going away the stigma.

Speaker 1: 33:27

You know exactly what you said. You said it so perfectly, like you know you when you said it's like this level of achievement or accomplishment, like, okay, I did this and all I got married. That's my badge of honor. Yeah, even though it's like in the back of our head we're going oh God, you know, it's not maybe what I really wanted Exactly, or thinking that it's going to change something when I get married. Then we're going to and we're going to do all this stuff together and also like we do it's about this ideology of being a married couple.

Speaker 1: 33:54

Then you do this and you do this and you do this, and it's like, no, getting married doesn't change your differences of opinions and ideas and things like it amplifies it, right, yeah. So, yeah, I thought that that was a great way to explain it, that you said that, rachel, but maybe we feel like it's something like a box we have to check in life.

Speaker 2: 34:14

Yes, and you don't know, no, and I think more women are stepping out and and calling that out as well and not, and you know, not saying we're not bad, nothing marriage, but we're just like, don't don't force yourself and go against your intuition If it's not with the right person or it's not something for you. You know you can have beautiful relationships in different ways, but the key one, as you know, we've been dancing around topics with yourself, you know right, and even in men too, you know, it's like what you know.

Speaker 1: 34:42

When he broke up with me, it's again, of course, your first natural thought is what, what? What do you want me to do? I'll change, I'll change. I said I'll move. Okay, fine, I'll do all this stuff, and you know so I again I applaud him. I was so hurt, but you know him and I have talked over the years and I just said thank you, you know, I'm glad that he had the strength. I'm sure it was not an easy conversation. That's probably why I got up on a plane to Vegas the next morning, because you just need to high tail it out of there. But but he was, it was a bold move on his part, but it was the best thing for us.

Speaker 1: 35:15

And so if you're a person that you know, maybe you know you're not feeling the vibe from the guy, it's okay. You know, don't change, because they need to again, just like we talked about, we have to be so good and ourselves that's the kind of partner that you want to is somebody that's really ready. And again, there's so many, so much trauma that people have suffered and gone through in relationships, and if they're not ready, then just let them go. Let them go and just yeah, their universe will bring you when it's time. And you know, and I don't know, I may never get married at 56. I mean, I still would love to be in a committed relationship, but if it doesn't, it's okay. You know, I'm really, I'm really good where.

Speaker 2: 35:54

I'm at Exactly, and you know I love that you've been talking about, like you know, what's made you who you are so like. Was there anything from your childhood do you feel like has contributed to your experience in a dating game, either in the past or present?

Speaker 1: 36:10

You know, I think probably like a lot of people I mean I was there's a lot of insecurity. You know I had brothers and nothing again, really nothing terrible. I'd rather than just brothers picking on a sister, you know, or being called out, you know, just the body conscious, all that kind of stuff I would just, yeah, I don't think there was really anything one in particular. I just my mom was a hair stylist, you know, in a beauty salon, so that's I kind of was always into the beauty and stuff. And I will say I mean I do have a very extroverted personality and there have been many times in my life and my ex fiance was one of them who told me to just tone it down a little bit. You're too loud. You know the hair, the sparkles, the whole ensemble, you know, so nice she'll claim it to get up. What do you want me to do with them? They're not going to go anywhere.

Speaker 2: 37:05

This is why I can't believe you're cancer, because I'm just like she's a burger somewhere.

Speaker 1: 37:12

Well, the cancer part, the family I love, love, love my family and giving love and receiving love. And but yeah, I would just say, you know, for so many years I just felt, you know I would be this person. And then somebody be like, oh, you're so loud, you're so obnoxious, tone it down, and then I'm going to retreat. And you know, my ex fiance was like gosh, everywhere we go, you know, you're always looking at you and you're so loud, and so then I would kind of be like stuff, why are you so quiet? What's wrong? I'm like nothing, nothing inside. And they're like we don't like this person.

Speaker 1: 37:43

Where's the Stephanie that's loud, that maybe cusses that says something inappropriate once in a while? That's the Stephanie that we want, that we want to be around, and so I think maybe just those instances and just learning that I just I can't be anything else. This is just who I am and some people are just not going to like you. I mean there's celebrities to. I mean they'll get 5000 comments and there's one troll who put something rude or mean about them and then they tend to focus on that and you just have to learn this.

Speaker 1: 38:15

Oh, again, kind of what we talked about is not everybody's going to like you. Not everybody likes blondes and blue eyes, you know. I mean, you know, everybody likes something different. Yes, I, there's men that I think are amazing, but just not attracted to them. They're just whatever. Just don't float my boat. Well, you have to think the same thing for us, right? There's nothing wrong with us, it's just we all kind of like what we like, yeah. So I would just say yeah, maybe, just I guess I don't know if that really answers your question, but yeah, I just life experiences. You just kind of chalk it up and you just keep pressing on and I think it just goes back to what we talked about. It's just being confident. That's why, you know, do your affirmations. I encourage you, rachel, to. I love if you take some time and think about words and phrases of affirmation, using the letters of your name and making that.

Speaker 1: 39:04

This is who you are and that's how you want to other people to see you. That's who you want to be when you wake up every morning. You want to be this. You know I'm strong, I'm talented and energetic, I'm fierce, I'm amazing next level. I got this. Yes, I got this, and so just but you know, you got to grow into it. I feel like I didn't always feel this confident or this strong about myself. It's taken a lot of getting knocked down and then getting back up again getting, but that's what I got back up.

Speaker 1: 39:37

So, that's the biggest thing is you're going to get knocked down. People are going to be mean and you're going to have. You know, like I said, you pull. Everybody's got a story of challenges and struggles that we've been through, but embrace them. What can I learn from this? What did it teach me and how can I just be the better person from those experiences?

Speaker 2: 39:57

Yes, oh, my God, so good. Like I'm so glad that we got a chance to meet because I feel like the breakthroughs that people are going to have from our episode are going to be incredible. I think we spoke about so much. We already thought we were, isn't it? Before we hit record, we were like, okay, we're going to be here for a while. I just I think you're so inspirational, I think you're awesome. I'm going to be following you everywhere on social media. So, speaking of where can we find you on the internet so we can follow you, just like I'm going to do.

Speaker 1: 40:28

Yeah, well, I think, if you have the links up by just everything as my first and last name, just Stephanie have all. I'm on all the all the handles Facebook, linkedin, twitter, snapchat I have Brandon myself as Stephanie have all. So there is no changing the names or anything like that. I will forever be that's my God. Give a name, my family name and that's just who I am. So, yeah, I would love to.

Speaker 1: 40:57

You know one things that people are always looking for. You know top or speakers for their events. If you need to talk on affirmations, if you're looking to have a session or workshop on mindset or learning that communication style, I'd be happy to come in and speak to your audience or coach and train a team. That's really where my passion is and I speak from, you know, from the heart. I've been through it, I've managed a team of people, I've dealt with communications and you know all different types of people and organizations, large and small, but really it's just my passion to inspire and lift other people up and it just, yeah, have fun. Right, because I said I'm stuff funny, putting the F and funny.

Speaker 2: 41:40

Thank you so much. It's been such a pleasure so well, it's my pleasure.

Speaker 1: 41:45

Yeah, thank you so much, rachel, it's been great. Thank you you.